


Versus the Metaphorical Goatee

by Reccea



Category: 2 Broke Girls, Captain America (2011), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-11-27
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-26 14:11:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reccea/pseuds/Reccea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things don’t end well for people Thor looks at like they’re evil twins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I think Smittywing gets all the blame for this one. And the thanks for the beta. :)

"Did you feel that?" Han demanded anxiously, out of nowhere.

"I haven't felt anything in years," Max told him dryly, as Caroline swept by her, scooping up Table Four's order.

"The shaking," Han insisted.

"Yeah, the last time I felt the Earth move," Max cracked, "I was a lot drunker than this.” When Han didn’t laugh, Max sighed. “Look, it was probably--”

There was a weird rumbling noise and, as if on cue, the ground rocked under them, sending Caroline’s tray (and its Salisbury steak) flying.

“Oh shit,” Max swore fervently. “Not another earthquake, are you kidding me?”

“That was a five hundred year event,” Caroline said, making sad faces at the idiot who ordered the unidentified meat product and picking the plate off the floor like it was contaminated. (Which it probably was.)

There was another rumble and something that sounded like what explosions sounded like in the movies.

Max set down the cupcake tray. “Was that...?”

And then, surprisingly distinct over another rumble, was a shout. “Avengers Assemble!”

Max, Caroline, Han, Oleg, Earl, and every customer in the place ran to the door to look outside. Max had to elbow a few people to get to the front (she got Han in the eye but superhero stalking was serious business) but she and Caroline were smushed up close, watching the Avengers kicking the ass of some giant lizard thing.

“That’s like Godzilla. Only actually scary,” Caroline whispered.

“Oleg, touch my ass one more time and I’m feeding you to Godzilla,” Max snapped. Out in the street Iron Man flew by, shooting his hand lasers at Godzilla. “This is so awesome,” Max said reverently.

Captain America threw his shield right into Godzilla’s face and it let out a roar of pain that was something close to deafening.

Caroline sighed, heartfelt and full of longing.

“Captain America?” Max asked in disgust. “You have a crush on Captain America?”

“He’s an American hero who’s literally the peak of human perfection.” Caroline smiled beatifically. “How can you not want to tap that?”

“He’s boring,” Max objected. “Way too perfect and he has wings on his helmet.”

“My man Thor has wings on his helmet and there ain’t anything wrong with that,” Earl cut in.

“Thor’s a god. Fashion sense is not required,” Max conceded the point.

“The Black Widow is my favorite.” Han reached out to touch the reflection of the red-headed, leather-wearing superhero on the glass door. “She is terrifying.”

The Black Widow did some complicated somersault thing that let her shoot Godzilla in the eye. “Not gonna disagree,” Max said, wincing.

“Oh my god,” Caroline gasped. “It’s going down!”

Godzilla careened through the street, feet taking out abandoned hot dog carts and the table of knockoff sunglasses. It stumbled further down, getting closer and closer until it finally fell, its head perilously close to the front of diner.

“Wow.” Max pressed her face to the glass. “It’s so close you can see its scales.”

“It’s dead, right?” Caroline put her hands on Max’s shoulders. “Tell me it’s dead.”

“It’s totally dead and we are totally taking a picture with it. Grab your phone Caroline!” Max pushed and shoved until everyone had backed up enough for her to open the door. They all ran outside.

There were a lot of looky-loos in the street already, included some panicky criers and a kid who was covered in dust.

“This is so awesome!” Max cheered. She snagged Caroline’s phone out of her hand and took two pictures of Godzilla’s lolling tongue and blank open eyes. Then she grabbed Caroline and got one of the two of them in front of the lolling tongue and dead eyes.

“The city gets weirder and weirder!” Earl shook his head. “Thought this shit only happened in California.”

“Iron Man moved here from California, right?” Max offered.

One of the customers shrieked Iron Man’s name. Oleg clapped his hands together. “He is coming over here!” and, no lie, the guy sounded pretty psyched. Max bet that Oleg would table sixty-nine Iron Man all day long.

Caroline did a roadrunner.

“Hey, hey!” Max grabbed her arm and bodily hauled her back outside. “We just got rescued by _Iron Man_. We are not leaving here without getting our boobs autographed.”

“That’s _Tony Stark_.” Caroline was hilariously scandalized.

“Like you haven’t gotten someone to sign your boobs before,” Max scoffed. And then reconsidered. “You just ran like you did when that douche came into the diner. Did you _date_ Iron Man?”

“No!” Caroline took horrified and leveled up. “He’s a friend of my fathers! Or _was_ a friend, you know, before.”

“So you don’t have dibs is what you’re saying.” Max found it was important to not let yourself be distracted from the salient points and to not let Caroline dwell on the mess that was her dad’s life. And happily, she often managed to combine the two.

Caroline made a face. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Are you kidding?” Max snorted. “I’d totally tap that.”

Caroline looked mutinous for a good moment before putting on a determinedly pleasant expression. Which meant _Iron Man_ had to be standing behind Max.

“You ladies all right?” The mechanical but still sexy voice of Iron Man asked.

“Hell. Yes.” Max dug around in her apron for a pen. “That was freaking awesome.”

“Hello Mr. Stark,” Caroline said awkwardly, edging back behind Max, probably trying to hide the uniform.

Iron Man tilted his head for a moment before the front of the helmet opened up. It was possibly the coolest thing Max had seen in her life.

“Caroline Channing?” Tony Stark asked, totally disbelieving.

Caroline smiled an unhappy smile and waved. “Nice to see you again. Saving the neighborhood. And all that.”

Max was a little concerned that Caroline’s obvious desire for death was going to ruin her chance to get autographed cleavage and then Thor came into view, twirling his awesome hammer, cape trailing behind him.

“Best day ever!” Max clasped a hand to her heart and thanked the universe.

“Tony, my friend,” Thor, the fucking _god of thunder_ shouted as he _landed_ next to freaking _Iron Man_. “I do not think it wise to allow your leaders of cheer to arrive at a battle before it is won.”

“They’re not my cheerleaders,” Tony Stark said. “There just color-coded for my convenience.”

Max frowned. “Sleeping with you is sounding less appealing by the second.”

And then Thor (the god of thunder, seriously the god of thunder, what the hell) stepped forward and said, “Darcy?”

“Max,” Max said. “I thought his name was Thor. Is Darcy godspeak for Thor?”

“You are not Darcy Lewis?” Thor’s expression darkened. And with it the sky.

“Max...” Caroline reached out and snagged Max’s hand. Max hung onto it like a woman going into labor.

“No,” she said, slowly and clearly in case fast talk got the big man angry. “I’m Max. Why are you looking at me like I’m somebody’s evil twin?

Max has seen the news. Things don’t end well for people Thor looks at like they’re evil twins.

“Huh.” Iron Man said.

Yeah. Max totally wasn’t going to sleep with him.


	2. Chapter 2

The SHIELD clean-up team only call Coulson when there’s a problem. Stark and Captain Rogers in a shouting match with Thor qualifies as a problem, Coulson will admit. But possibly not as much of a problem as the two people dumped in the interrogation room behind Stark, Captain Rogers, and Thor.

Coulson steps around the ruckus and takes stock of the situation. “Gentlemen. Stark.”

“Son of Coul!” Thor sounds relieved. (The son of Coul thing never gets old. Really.) “Surely _you_ can convince my comrades of the danger--”

“Danger?” Stark cut off Thor. “Thor, I’ve known this girl for years, she’s not a danger!”

“They wanted a picture with us.” Captain Rogers had his hands out, as if calming Thor down could be accomplished through judicious use of hand gestures and soothing tones.

“Stark.” Coulson snapped his fingers and then pointed at the blonde girl behind the mirrored glass. “I assume you’re talking about that one.”

“Yes.” And for once, Tony Stark sounded grateful to talk to him. It was uncomfortable.

“Her name is Caroline Channing. She’s the daughter of Martin Channing. You know the one. She’s not a threat. Not even a corporate one.”

Coulson nodded. “Miss Channing is not the problem. Her companion is.”

Stark and Rogers both angled their bodies to look around Coulson at the two women in the interrogation room.

Rogers recovered first, though he was still frowning. “I think they were both working at that terrible diner down the street from our operation. They didn’t engage us until after the fight was over and the agents have already confirmed they didn’t have weapons on them.”

"I have to tell you, the other one doesn't look very frightening." Stark crossed his arms in a loud screech of metal on metal.

There was a commotion outside and Widow, Barton, and Banner came in. Banner was wearing even less clothing than usual.

“Did you or did you not just leave us to do dinosaur clean up?” Barton asked darkly.

“I believe we agreed not to do that,” Romanoff said dangerously.

Rogers look pained, Stark looked annoyed and Thor looked apologetic. “We are sorry, my friends, but there was an urgent matter we needed to attend to.”

“More urgent than dinosaur dung?” Barton wasn’t shy about expressing his disbelief.

“Thor kidnapped two women,” Stark said nonchalantly.

“Barton.” Coulson waved Barton over.

“Kidnapped?” Banner sounded even less willing than usual to be part of this team.

Barton walked over to Coulson, mouth pinched and clearly still ready to engage in verbal battle with his other teammates. Until Coulson pointed at the interrogation room.

Barton processed in the blink of an eye and then turned to Thor and asked, very calmly, “Why did you kidnap my girlfriend?”

 

“Are you sure you’re doing that right?” Jane leaned across Darcy to snag the mouse back. Darcy smacked her on the hand and covered the mouse and keyboard with her body.

“Yes. Go away.”

Jane struggled to free her hand and when that didn’t work, she started scratching to get to the mouse. “No seriously, I think--”

“I think you can’t use any Microsoft programs but Excel which is why you have an intern,” Darcy grabbed Jane’s flailing hand and turned the battle into impromptu thumbwar.

“I can use Word,” Jane hissed.

“You have no imagination and your Powerpoints look like they’re on an overhead projector.” Darcy always wins at thumbwar. Jane has tiny hands.

Jane tries with her other hand. “Scientists appreciate clean lines and simple layouts.”

“Please, I’ve seen your three-dimensional graphs.” Darcy started to involve her leg and turn this into a bad game of Twister.

“If you would just--”

The phone rings. It’s Darcy’s phone because Darcy believes firmly in individualized ringtones and Jane believes firmly that there is one ringtone to rule them all.

There’s a brief scramble while they disentangle themselves and Darcy password locks the computer. Jane steals the phone in retaliation. “Hey Clint.”

Darcy plucks the phone from Jane’s hand, with only token resistance from Jane. “You shot Godzilla in the eye.”

“Just the one,” Clint laughs. “You should see what they did to the other one.”

“Oh I saw. The whole internet saw,” Darcy assures him. “You shot yours in the eye and in the _tongue_.”

“Well, there weren’t a lot of weak spots,” Clint offers.

“It’s cool,” Darcy said. “But don’t bring Godzilla meat back to New Mexico. I’ll just have to go vegetarian again.”

Clint laughs again but it’s not up to his usual standard. Darcy taps her fingers on the glass of the lab and looks out into the soft lights of the town at night. “You okay?”

“I’m good. I’m fine. But there’s a situation,” Clint says, his voice steady and warm.

“So you’re not coming back for a while and you’re breaking it to me gently,” Darcy hazarded. “I think Thor better send roses to Jane ahead of time, because he’s not the best at breaking things gently.”

“No, ah--” She can practically hear Clint shake his head. “Actually, they’re sending someone to pick you up. A car should be there in ten minutes.”

“Picking me up?” Darcy turned around and waved to Jane. “Picking me up to go where? New York?”

“Yeah,” Clint said, the same time Jane said “I’m coming with you.”

Darcy cupped her hand over her phone. “You have the presentation.”

Jane arched an eyebrow. Darcy smiled. She uncupped the phone. “Jane’s coming.”

There’s a pause and Darcy knows Clint’s _dying_ to argue, but he’s apparently a learn from experience kind of guy so instead he just says, “Pack for at least a week, okay?” And then he mutters something inaudible before saying goodbye and hanging up.

“Did he stop mumbling yet?”

“Nope,” Darcy shakes her head, already grabbing her bag. “But he totally still loves me. A car will be here in ten. Make them stop at the 7-11 for coffee before you guys get to my place. It’s going to take me ten minutes to even find my suitcase.”

Jane salutes and they both make a mad dash to find clean clothes.

 

 

When Clint came back to the briefing room it seemed like everyone else had had time to shower and change. Stark was in jeans and a metal band t-shirt, with his incredibly obvious briefcase sitting on the table in front of him. Rogers looked like the forties spit him out ass backwards and in plaid, Natasha was in a clean uniform, and Banner was wearing clothes. Awesome.

“Thank you for finally joining us,” Fury said from on high.

Clint tipped an imaginary hat. “Lewis and Foster are on their way to the base and should be flown out within the hour.” At Fury’s eyebrow Clint added, “Dr. Foster insisted.”

“It still seems like a bad idea to bring the original to the place where we’re holding the copy,” Stark muttered.

“Be that as it may, Mr. Stark, I’m sure you can understand the need to confirm the DNA samples are accurate,” Coulson replied calmly.

“What do we think exactly?” Natasha folded her hands on top of the table. “A clone? Waitressing at a dead-end diner?”

“Evil twin?” Stark threw out, tapping his goatee with a wink. Clint thought it maybe would have been funny if he’d been in the mood or if even half the audience had a chance of getting the reference.

“Alternate universe corrupting our timeline?” Banner adjusted his glasses.

“Skrull,” Fury said decidedly.

“Skrull,” Coulson agreed.

The team exchanged looks. Stark muttered something about little green men and Banner glared at him.

“Are we sure there isn’t a simpler explanation?” Rogers said after a moment.

“Skrull is easily the simplest answer,” Coulson replied, positively upbeat.

“Okay.” Clint rubbed his face and took a deep breath. “I’ll bite. Why the hell would a skrull impersonate Darcy?”

Tony coughed and Steve shot him a look before saying diplomatically, “Well, she does work with the Avengers.”

But pretty much the whole room is staring at Clint because he’s dating Darcy and they all think he’s an accidental lady killer. “Great,” Clint muttered.

“I took the liberty of having agents interview their colleagues at the Diner,” Coulson tapped some keys and a hologram of a driver’s license appeared overhead, for one Maxine Black. “We confiscated the personal items from the diner but there was regrettably little. Recommend reconnaissance at their apparently shared place of residence.”

“If she’s a Skrull, she really did her homework. That’s an awful picture,” Tony said.

Clint wasn’t going to agree out loud but inside he agreed wholeheartedly.

“Any pertinent information from their colleagues?” Steve asked, quite obviously refusing to look at Tony.

Coulson paused. “The chef was a less-than-reliable source but the owner and the cashier seemed quite insistent that Ms. Black is not participating in the proliferation of illegal substances.”

“So, no,” Tony said.

“At the very least it’s clear that Ms. Black has not engaged any of her colleagues, excluding potentially Ms. Channing, in any nefarious activities.” Coulson’s tone made it clear that he thought this was a reasonable choice on Ms. Black’s part.

“So the apartment is our only lead,” Clint nodded. This was just fantastic.

“Okay,” Steve nodded. “Tony, why don’t you and I--”

“I’m coming,” Clint said.

“Same,” Natasha agreed. Clint smiled at her. They were both in agreement that letting those two handle anything with subtlety was a lost cause.

“I’ll stay,” Banner offered.

“Thor refuses to leave the Skrull, so let’s go with that,” Fury said. “Move out and report back in two hours.”

Tony got up and clapped Clint soundly on the back. “Don’t you just love field trips?"


End file.
